You Might Be A Zombie

I've been doing some thinking lately and discovered a few things such as:

2010's The Crazies

I'm a very sarcastic person. Most people who I associate with in everyday life don't get that about me. They usually think I am being a bitch or just simply rude. They all just need to lighten up if you ask me and stop taking offense at everything I say. Why the hell should I have to walk around on eggshells all the time just because they are too slow or too stupid to know when I am busting their chops? I think it would amaze them if they knew I held a certain affinity for zombies. Perhaps not in a good way; it might actually solidify their suspicions that I am certifiable. Fuck 'em I say, 'cuz on that inevitable day when zombies really do come to town we'll see who the last one standing will be: ME. That's right. This sarcastic bitch and I will be laughing the whole time saying "I told you so." Yup. I sure would. Cuz I am a bitch that way. So speaking of zombies, any of you seen the new movie The Crazies yet? I did. Drug my hubby to it just today, and I gotta say, even though he was not terribly crazy about it, I was. The Crazies is a remake of the 1973 flick of the same title, although the 1973 version was written and directed by none other than George A. Romano. I can't believe I haven't seen that one - or at least, I don't remember having seen it. I'm gonna have to log onto Netflix after writing this review to see if its available for instant download. I can't imagine I would have passed it up. Maybe my not remembering is a sign that it wasn't worth remembering...?? httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7w9uWFIMBs So as far as the 2010 Breck Eisner's version of The Crazies goes, I'd have to say it was pretty entertaining. This version jumps right into the suspense factor with Roy, the local Otis Campbell, who comes strolling onto the high school baseball field with loaded shotgun in tow resulting in his getting shot dead by town sheriff David Dutton. That same suspense continues to build, as we see Bill Farnum when he snaps and burns his wife and son alive. But don't think the fun stops there. The Crazies pretty much doesn't let up until the very end.

In a Nutshell

Focusing on sheriff David Dutton and his pregnant doctor wife Judy, The Crazies is about a big ass plane that goes down in the local water supply of the town of Ogden Marsh, Iowa. We soon learn the plane has contaminated the water supply with a viral pandemic, and the unlucky townsfolk who manage to become infected turn into veiny, bloody, unemotional killers. Luckily the government is on top of the plane fiasco and quickly send in troops to contain the situation by brute force, if necessary. True to form for this type of movie, this translates to everyone needing to be killed otherwise how else can we really know for sure if the pandemic has been eradicated? So David, his wife Judy, his trusty deputy Russell Clark, and a couple of other survivor wannabes, are left to their own devices trying to stay alive, uninfected, and un-captured by the two faced militia.

The Delivery

The main character selection in The Crazies are most all faces you will recognize:  Timothy Olyphant as David (The Perfect Getaway, Hitman, Stop-Loss, among many more); Radha Mitchell as Judy (the Surrogates, Silent Hill, Man on Fire) and Joe Anderson as Russell (The Ruins, Control.) Their acting was pretty mediocre but definitely above B status which is a good thing considering the size of the paycheck I am sure they will rake in.  I actually found Anderson to be the most convincing of the bunch. Their reactions and actions in general were pretty realistic, but a little whiny on the part of David and Judy. I am sure the idea was to show the movies "softer side" but it came across as just plain annoying. The military aspect was pretty believable. If you pay attention to the movie, you see it was obvious that the town was being watched and orders were being given and the military's response time and reaction to the infected were to be expected. We are also offered little bits of information throughout the movie that let you know the plane was government issue and its going down was the reason for the subsequent events, which tied the time line together pretty convincingly. There really wasn't a gore element in The Crazies, but there was blood and really cool makeup effects on the infected. It certainly looked realistic and that is always a plus in my book, even if I am a fan of rubber creature features. The infected had a sadistic side and liked to inflict this sadism onto the uninfected in some pretty inventive blood splattering ways. I actually found myself cringing from the - dare I say brutality? - of the movie.

My .02 Cents

Although The Crazies is no where near as good as Carriers or Quarantine, it is definitely ginormously better than 2009's Pandemic (a movie I can't review because it was so bad that 30 minutes after having watched it, I forgot most everything about it.) And although its rather predicable (what horror movie isn't these days?) I think its safe to say that The Crazies is definitely my kind of flick. Sure a couple of gratuitous boob shots would have improved the movie, but Breck Eisner (who is also directing the 2012 remake of Flash Gordon) made up for it by having no real slow spots, not too terribly many holes, and offering plenty of violence. I was actually surprised more than once. Kudos, Breck Eisner!

Zombie Mythbusters & Weapons that Kill

This is the 2nd installment in my series of Zombie Survival tactics as learned in Max Brook's book "The Zombie Survival Guide."

Tanka Time - The Birth of a Zombie

I have two particularly favorite past times, and thought I would combine them for the amusement of everyone myself. It is not something that will be able to be done in one post. And depending on my imagination, it could drag on for months! But it's a challenge I present to myself, and I am rather anxious to see how it will develop. Two of my favorite pastimes: zombies and poetry. Yup. You heard me right. Poetry. And what I have decided to do is write poetry about a zombie. I do not have this zombie formed in my mind as of yet; I am hoping to develop him/her/it as I go along, and the mood strikes to be captivatingly prolific (this is obviously not one of those moods, but I will have them!) So - you already know it will be about a zombie. The poem format of choice will be the Tanka. For those of you not familiar with Tankas, it is a Japanese form of poetry that consists of 5 lines. The 1st and 3rd line are 5 syllables each, and the 2nd and last two lines are each 7 syllables. Whether or not the lines rhyme is optional. My game plan is that eventually all the Tankas will be able to chain together to form a story. The story of my zombie. And here is the first installment. -------------------------->>>

Who is this person lumbering slowly towards me? Why does he bite me and why (oh shit!) does it sting!?!

...I don’t want to die like this...

Why am I so sick? What was that thing that bit me?

...my body is rotting...

I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. To this I concede defeat.

Tanka Time -Transformation

How did I get here? Is that blood staining my hands? And who’s this person that lays bleeding at my feet? ...is he meat for me to eat??

I can’t think or talk I can barely walk at all -I’m sooooo hungry and The F’n body calls me like a dinner bell for hell! Have you missed out on my first Tanka Time installment? Well worry not! You can read it here!

Tanka Time - Remorse

I can no longer tell what time of day it is; I no longer sense what is right or what is wrong. I merely roam Blood filled streets....

Mutely I scream with The pain of vicious death and Repugnant decay; Not comprehending what has Befallen me here today....

Who am I really? I no longer know or care. I only know I Don't want to be here this way; an empty shell of remorse....

(Have you missed the first 2 installments of my ongoing Zombie Tanka? Well fear not! You can read the first installment here and the second installment here. When you are done, be sure to sign up for my RSS FEED so as not to miss the future installments guaranteed to be bloody and fun!)

True Blood Season 2

Lead me unto temptation with offerings of forbidden fruit While simultaneously citing scripture and Brandishing sins of impiety....

Project illusions of non-existent fairy tales So that I may delude myself with their subterfuge yet another day......

Before reality rears its ugly head and all that is left are the charred remains of my naive convictions....

And in case I am not clear enough, what I am saying is that Sookie needs to get her head out of her ass and realize that Bill is a tool that can't protect his own shadow, and that he doesn't ride a white horse and she's not going to live happily ever after with him; and that Tara needs to smell the shit that Maryann is shoveling before she gets into more trouble; and that Jason just needs to accept the fact that he has idiot tendencies and being a bible banger is one of them...... Ahhhh this is going to be a good season. I wonder who Eric will ingest next???

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qufAFY7FL0U

Tanka Time - Donnie Darko

Due to dark feelings I had as of late, I’ve decided to review a movie that is not one of my particular favorites. Well, not even one I really like that much but it has a cult following and I’m hoping that in this review I might have an epiphany that may help me appreciate this movie for what so many others saw in it that I did not. Donnie Darko’s cult following is what sucked me in and it's that same cult following that kept me watching until the end.

Tanka Time

It's been awhile now... I've never felt so alone. What have I become? A zombie? Unfit to love? Rotting and covered in blood?

Avatar

As if it wasn't enough for James Cameron to have created the number one hit movie of all time - TITANIC - he now holds the number two slot as well with his December release, Avatar. And it only seems a matter of days before Avatar will deservedly take over the number one spot.

Sidney J. Furie's "Road Rage" (TV 2000)

It's been awhile since I have watched a gawd-awful movie. Evidence of this is my lack of reviews as of late. Well I killed that by watching a seriously lacking made for TV flick from Sidney J. Furie called Road Rage.

Road Rage begins rather ridiculously and sadly does not improve with time. Starting out we find really old college student Sonia (Danielle Brett, who's biggest role was probably starring with Dolph Lundgren in Jill The Ripper) kicking her abusive beau Bo to the curb since she found out he cheated on her. Bo doesn't like being tossed aside like the cheap trash that he is and tries to bully Sonia into changing her mind.

It's about this time that mildly egotistical Jim, (Casper Van Dien who apparently loves starring in cheesy modern-day made for TV B-movies and also plays an over-aged college student) steps in to rescue the damsel in distress (Sonia, not Bo) and offers Sonia a ride home in his "grandma's car."

Once on the road the two get caught up in flirtatious conversation, and Sonia soon informs Jim that he is passing her exit. He decides to whip his grandma car across highway lanes in an attempt to catch the exit, and cuts off a rather large pickup truck with illegally tinted windows in the process.

 Truck-guy doesn't take too kindly to being cut off, and decides to show his irritation in a more mood killing way than just laying on the horn or flipping Jim off. Instead he opts to exact some serious road rage, chasing our two wannabe lovebirds in a multiple crash inducing highway chase that miraculously kills no one, and goes completely unreported and unnoticed by the cops. So when our two narrowly escape death and find themselves left to their own devises, they decide its in their best interest to go back to flirting and acting as nothing has just happened.

Huh? You think now is a good time to just hang out, laughing about the days events and planning your next romantic date? Sitting parked in the same car the bad guy knows you drive, in a desolate - deserted even - area, so if psycho-boy decides to come back and finish what he started, he could come drag you out of your car, rip off your head and skullfuck you in broad moonlight, and no one would see or even do anything to help.... Really?

Dumbasses. 

Why? Because its about this time that insane truck guy rolls back around, but instead of violating the two would-be lovebirds in a gruesomely brutal manner that would have been cool as shit and long overdue for a movie such as this, rolls down the passenger window so we can see that he has a buddy riding shotgun.... a buddy none other than a very irate recently dumped beau - Sonia's Bo.

How convenient.

Ok so you would think things might really get good at this point (provided everything else didn't totally suck already) but you'd be wrong. A movie that seems like it couldn't get any worse.... does.

Now I'm not one to usually comments on acting ability or even subject matter believability because lets face it... the movies I tend to watch and review offer everything EXCEPT good acting and believability (although more often than not there is usually a good bit of bloodshed and naked boobage to make up for it.)

Sadly Road Rage offers neither. Yeh yeh, so no surprise from the drivel I usually watch, but what made me really regret watching this movie was Danielle Brett; or perhaps I should say the role they cast her in. Aside from her seriously overacting the part, she plays an abused chick who actually sacks up and dumps her cheating beau Bo, but when the new guy steps in and immediately exhibits similar traits - such as wanting to play (and even prolong) the stupid raindeer games psycho truck driver initiates - she finds it appealing. O-M-G!! Why do the dumb chicks in these movies always have to go gaga for losers? And she never even flashes boob to make up for it.... goes to explain why she's done virtually nothing since 2001.

So do I recommend watching Road Rage? Hell NO! This movie sucks so bad you can't even find a video clip of the trailer on YouTube - EVERYTHING can be found on YT!

Oh well, decide for yourself, but right now I gotta go watch Lake Dead... which I am sure is a cult classic yet to be discovered!

Holding Hands

Be sure to watch to the very end. It is SOOOO cute!

Doubt ~ A lyric poem

Helpless ~
Realized on the sense of doubt ~
Instilling fear.

Hope ~
Lapses into the abyss of unknowing ~
Deaf to hear (my voice):
Numb to feel (my touch):
Scared to dream.

Love ~
Hesitant to trust without oath:
Slighted in its honesty.

Shame ~
(How can my love not be enough?)
Accepting its mine.
Knowing that time is
Our only reprieve:
Our only chance to believe:
Our only light.

Breath ~
(Struggling for air)
Held tight...

~ Helpless.

Life is Never as Bad (or as Good) as You Think

Scientology: Myth? Madness? or maybe.....??

Ok. So we have all heard about Scientology and how certain names in Hollywood are advocates for the "faith." But did you know that Scientology was introduced to the world by L. Ron Hubbard, a science fiction novelist? Not a doctor or scientist, but a science fiction novelist.

Now please understand, my intentions are not to denounce any of Mr. Hubbard's many successes or accomplishments yet at the same time, you have to wonder how a self-improvement theory, entitled Dianetics, introduced with a publication in a science fiction magazine (due to the medical and mainstream avenues having no interest as there was no scientific data to support the validity of his theory) could develop such a following. A following strong enough to support a new "church;" i.e. a new "religion."

It is my understanding that Scientologists believe their bodies to be temporary vessels for their immortal being, called "Thetan." They believe that they have lived for trillions of years, and are reborn again and again. They believe they were banished to earth 75 million years ago by an evil galactic warlord named Xenu. The also believe that Xenu "implanted" them with a number of false "realities" - including the concepts of God, Christ and organized religion. Scientologists - Thetans - believe they have attached themselves to human beings, where they remain to this day, creating not just the root of all of our emotional and physical problems but the root of all problems of the modern world. It is their goal to free themselves of this entrapment and to one day return home to their planet, having rid themselves of their temporary vessel and angst.

One begins their passage of Scientology Enlightenment, known as the Bridge to Total Freedom, for a nominal fee. There are specific stages, or "grades," of the Bridge, and the key to progressing "upward" is auditing: hundreds, if not thousands, of sessions that Scientologists believe can not only help them resolve their problems but fix their ethical breaches, much as Catholics might do in confessing their sins. The ultimate goal in every auditing session is to have a "win," or moment of revelation, which can take a few minutes, hours or even weeks. Scientologists are not allowed to leave an auditing session until their "auditor" (a higher ranking Scientologist who makes big bucks from what I can gather) is satisfied.

So how much is this nominal fee? Well, auditing is purchased in 12.5-hour blocks. Each block can cost anywhere from $750 for introductory sessions to between $8,000 and $9,000 for advanced sessions (from what I have read, they pretty much charge for all their"religious" services).

And who ranks higher on their ladder of success? Well, for one, Tom Cruise; Weirdo Cruise.

I say believe what you want to; give your money to whoever you want to, but let's be honest. Scientology is a science fiction story that made L. Ron Hubbard a very rich man and a very wealthy empire. If I could create a new religion and have people offer me tons of money to jump on board my bandwagon you better be damned sure I would. I'd be crazy not to. And these days, crazy ain't what it used to be.

My conclusion of Scientology? A scheme to make a LOT of money - and it worked. What's your conclusion?

The Results are In

Deviant Art for Post Halloween

found this lil' gem over at Deviant Art. Definitely worth checking out if you like to draw or doodle. It's everyday people with lots of talent.

Life is the dance of penguins

What will YOU do?

Dumb Laws Stupid People Thought Were Smart Ideas

Why can't law makers ever clean up their books? I mean, would it really be so hard or does it cut into their tee time? Stupid shit has been on the books for eons and if anyone wanted to be a prick, they could easily enforce one of these babies. I'm even thinking citizens arrest....

Check these out:

In Pennsylvania, no man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. Hehehe. THAT could be fun! Let's try a different one.

In San Francisco, it’s apparently illegal to wipe a vehicle with used underwear. Skid marks leave traces of poo, perhaps?? Only new undies are allowed, thank you.

And what ever you do, don't pile your horse manure more than six feet high on any street corner or you might get carted off to jail. Stop at about 5 1/2 feet then move on to the next corner, just to play it safe.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's apparently legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. (Of course, it might be a little hard explaining to the mister/missus why you want curtains in your snazzy corvette.....)

Men are going to love this next one: Apparently a state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, and that's NOT a typo, when being addressed by their female counterparts. If my husband knew that, I think we'd be moving tomorrow!

On a happy note, in Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. (I'm just wondering what he can do with the gun if she's NOT having an orgasm.....)

In Wisconsin, if two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has. Umm...... check mate??

In Sun Prairie Wisconsin, you may not manufacture nuclear weapons within the city limits. Step over the city limit line? Well, then it's OK.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer. I don't know about you guys, but I prefer laying down myself.... I'm in the clear!

In Virginia, you can't have sex during the daytime, or with a light on. I'm thinking this law means there must be some butt ugly people in Virginia!

In Mississippi, a person can be fined up to $100 for using "profane language" in public places.

I'm fucked.

In Rohnert Park, California, it is illegal for a women to have sex with a cow, but it is legal for a couple to have a threesome including the cow. Not quite sure who the brain was behind this law, but I'm betting it was not a sane one.

In Tennessee it is legal to gather and consume road kill. Too bad. Potted Possum is a real treat here in Georgia....

In Alabama, it's illegal to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Fun maybe, but illegal.

In Florida, men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown, but apparently spaghetti straps are acceptable.

In Washington, a law to reduce crime states that "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town." Man, I can hear that conversation now.....

Criminal: "Hello. I am entering your state with the intention of pillaging your women and robbing your liqueur stores."

Police Chief: "Thank you so much for calling. Just don't kill anyone, k?"

Gawd I feel dumber just knowing this shit.

But before I end this ramble and risk my last brain cell bursting, I want you to consider this: In Texarkana, Texas, it’s illegal to ride a horse at night without taillights.

Hmmm..... I wonder if sticking a mag light up his ass and turning it on would suffice??? What do you think??